for those who honored me by giving their works1
0.I don't want to be surrounded by people.
or even one person. but, I don’t always want to be alone.
the answer is to become my own pet, hungry for plenty
in a plentiful place.2 you give me lemons softened in brine
and you give me cuttlefish ink3, a sort of insatiable hunger,
a voracity that will swallow you whole4, phrase, a line, a scrap of language,
a rhythm, an image, something seen, heard, witnessed, or imagined5—listen now
to something human. I know moments measured by a kiss
or a tear, a pass of a hand along a loved one’s face6 the moth’s wings
imitate shriveled leaves. the caterpillar’s body is indistinguishable
from arching twigs. the praying mantis fashions itself as so many
emerald blades of grass7 the body collapses, deliquesces,
doubles the space around it in order to be possessed8;
venus was decomposing9, was she horrible, delicious? black, white? … woman,
other? … dancer, fugitive?10 what is an adjective?
nouns name the world. verbs activate the names. adjectives
come from somewhere else. the word adjective (epitheton in Greek) is itself an adjective
meaning “placed on top,” “added,” “appended,” “imported,”
“foreign”11 we are all chimeras, theorized and fabricated
hybrids of machine and organism;12 remember granada means pomegranate
and granada means grenade because grenade—13in short14 I transformed myself
into a will-o-whisp. where did I go? I pursued wanderings
as wild as those of the march spirit.15 I have reordered time.
I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you.16 come inside
and meet the prologue. dark and cool and welcoming.
whatever is to come the prologue welcomes you absolutely, accepts you
unconditionally, receives you graciously, provides all that is necessary
to endure the rest.17
I.
by a long thin window, a child in a pale blue dress and pale green slippers waited for a bird to marry her.18 everything starts to feel unfamiliar. as if I’ve come up to the back of something. shut up behind a door without a handle. perhaps I’m only now coming face to face with the thing that has always been there.19
[enter ghost20]
considered coldly, she consists of an extended corporeal thing. probably immense. which explains why the gaze at least is drowned, saturated in her.21 I don’t know why the woman is crying. I don’t know why she keeps staring at my face, either, as though she wants to swallow it.22
when the night bloats open, tell the little girl you still are
and once were to go back to sleep.23
II.
today I met a man wearing a bright white undershirt.
his gold tooth gleamed24 I want to know what he was like.
he was badly burned. but he didn’t die—25
let us begin again.26 my old flame, the lucky bastard,
he of nefarious intentions and the devastating lines, jets back into town27
I ask for so little. just let me rule you and you can have everything that you want.28
on the second day, he moved, began undoing his robe and I imagined squirrels
perched upon high sung ribs and swallows29; he was existing in a timeless ecstasy30,
if you bargain with the devil you will become the devil unless
you are already the devil.31 for a week I hold my breath and live
as if I am swimming in a dream32—bollywood,
where love is an exuberant fantasy of song,
where a story stops before it ends33
(shame).34
III.
she is dead. almost certainly dead.
nearly conclusively dead. she is,
at the very least, not answering her telephone.
welcome. this beginning is your beginning.
we have saved it specially for you.
shall we?35 the female corpse will teach the courageous
male explorer the secrets of life.36 ecstasy is there
in the glorious slit where she curls up
as if in her nest, where she rests
as if she had found her home—37
* * *
picture the image of me
fixed in this doorway, and also in every other
doorway you pass, sometimes three-dimensional
and sometimes vaporous, whatever I feel like being
the moment you try to get past me imagine
not being able to stop me from coming in,
imagine not being able to cast me out
because I own all the thresholds.
as an additional bonus, imagine me with three faces38—
I would live your life so much better than you,
if I had your face.39
IV.
an unseen viewer spies on an unsuspecting body40 “how can one decide
now, “asks parent,” if a dead or living woman has lived,
I will not say in licentiousness, but in the licentiousness of every day
and every instance that characterizes the life of a prostitute?
the female sexual body reveals nothing
of the history of its penetration by men.”41 the baroness’ deterioration
is confirmed by the photograph on her passport
finally issued on 19 october 1923. her hairstyle is less dada
than homemade budget cut, her eyes are more weary than defiant42
he would have abjured everything, sold everything
to possess her for a single hour.43 he kept an eye on her
and felt he understood the way she let the music take care of her;
he saw her drifting along it, not knowing where she was particularly,
but grateful44 she lost all dada glamor.45
V.
you have won, man of without,
you have recast the stories to suit yourselves,
to condemn us.46 in the beginning, I was neither image
nor identity47; all the world’s a stage and all the men
and women are simply players48. the story resumes
with adam’s deep sleep, spare rib,
and eve49; I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night?
let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning?
I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.
but, if I’m not the same, the next question is
who in the world am I?50 if this once I were to rely on a proverb,
then perhaps everything would amount to knowing whom I haunt.51
VI.
I fell in love one night when the moon was full, I was unwise
with eyes unable to see, I fell in love with love52
every time I tried to type love, I missed the o and hit i instead
I live you is a mistake I make so often I wonder
if it’s not what I’ve really been meaning to say53—
everyone I’ve ever loved I have loved eternally. each love a life in itself.
that’s a lot of dying, that’s a lot of resurrection54, I’m stuck,
paralyzed by all those images, words, fantasies. frozen.
transfixed, including by their admiration,
their praises, what they call their “love55”.
the tragic heroine becomes the trickster
caught in the circle of obscenity, becomes the woman
who after pulling in her laundry from a window adjusts her bra strap.
It is the only gesture in the world56, and so I forced myself into loving it,
believing I would never hear their voices
again57—the looking glass dissolves, already broken.
where are we? how far along? everything is whirling.
everyone is dancing.58 I am exhausted
of living up to your expectations of me.59 in another life60
this is also the story of a woman
who learned lip, who learned lava, who learned love
and lagoon, who learned to never fear wheat or the wide sky.61
VII.
fury said to the mouse62, “hope? haven’t you outgrown that by now?63
you’ll see all the toads of the world run amok
and you’ll have to pick one of them and get married
I’m saying this out of concern for you64,
the power to prepare for a thing is not the same
as power over the thing itself65, just fear me,
love me, do as I say and I will be your slave66, you will be loved
you will be hated you will be brilliant67.”
* * *
my blood sings—I’m such a good girl
to eat the world.68 the girl loosens
(shame)
the purple ribbon from her hair
and flings it into a corner69.
VIII.
ladies and gentlemen…throughout history people have knocked their heads against the riddle of femininity—…nor will you have escaped worrying over this problem if you are men; to those of you who are women this will not apply—you are yourselves the problem.70 You are phenomenal. you’ve ruined my life forever.
thank you.71