1) In the past month , how often have you 

blindly deciphered strangers’ faces/ searching for the two years two months & 19 days of loss/ your grin wide like a banana split/ your ruffled black hair/ freshly cut because you hated the ponytail/ rifled through drawers/ having notebooks/ cards reopening like scabs/ laid in a room plunged into dark ink/ not trusting daylight/ because it meant that i was awake again/ remembering how/ staff wheeled you in for intake that july/ how you looked/ how i looked/ in that stupid hoodie/ not that it could shield me from the ward a.c./ white walls uniform like a shirt hem/ one look was all it took for us to click/ partners in crime/ switching “prison” lunches with you because you were perpetually hungry/ i wasn’t/ creating unnecessary havoc when we got bored napping or watching tv/ doctor saying: do you know why you’re here/ me sitting in place/ deadpanned/ thinking/ here it goes again/ what else could i do/ ayyy/ just two kids too blue for school/ feeling the side effects already.

a. Has the yearning been disrupting your daily life 

every day wishing i could put you back together/ some patchwork doll/ something i could call mine/ this emptiness/ my lifeline/ there is a reason why pain is measured in volts/ why electricity can make the dead come alive again/ albeit in incremental jerks/ not trying to be morbid/ i’m occupying this purgatory alone/ bank vault/ why are vaults vaults/ once you pushed through the turnstile/ i knew i couldn’t follow anymore/ locked from the outside/ barrier.

b. How much do you feel cut off from other people 

since you died/ the days dismembered themselves/ i couldn’t walk a straight line/ even though i tried/ i began to float/ mourning having the opposite effect of sink/ another morning ritual/ people just buoy heads bobbing about/ at first: here grab hold of me/

how old was she/ oh my god are you alright/ then beginning to distance themselves/ flustered: i uh well/ my face prying open a smile/ easier to pretend than explain.

c. Do you feel uneasy moving on 

do i feel uneasy walking out the door naked/ is that how glass frogs feel/ vulnerable/ all vital organs visible/ if life is a slow bruise fading over time/ what is bereavement/ phantom limb/ inability to time travel/ baby teeth falling out/ grief has many landscapes/ one day tundra/ one day marshland/ forest/ ocean/ mountain/ one day my boots will unstick.

d. What do you think the future holds 

without you/ i haven’t forgotten the day/ just 16/ you mistook fled for ledge/ even writing this/ i feel vulgar like i’ve gotten you all wrong/ your story can’t be right/ am i doing you a disservice/ where’s the arc/ the happy ending/ all left a broken hallelujah/ a tape i wind close to my heart/ time after time/ a time-lapse of you breathing again/ living again.